Brett: 0:02

Episode number 70. Hello and welcome to the Fighting for Connection podcast. I'm Brett Nicola, a husband, father and fun lover. Listen in as I share stories, tips and inspiration that will move you toward the connection that you want in your relationship Alright.

Brett: 0:35

Happy Monday everybody. It's been a happy weekend over here. On Thursday, so three, four days ago now, kelsey and I welcomed baby boy Bram Walter into the world. He is our seventh child, our fourth son. He's doing terrific. He's healthy, mom's doing well, recovering, you know as well as you could expect after maybe having a baby. So definitely recovering, but doing well, if you can believe me, I was pretty busy all weekend managing the household and the kids and I did not get as much done as I had hoped to during that time, which is okay because I was sneaking cuddles in with our new son and just enjoying time with the family. Because of that, this episode is coming a little bit tardy, but here Monday morning we're getting it out and I am going to be coming back next week and just sharing with you a lot more about the experience around the birth of our son and some of the thoughts that I've had over the last few days here around children and parenting and relationships. So tune into that next week.

Brett: 1:53

This week I'm excited to share with you kind of part two of the interview that I had with Monica Lee. First I was on her podcast Choosing to Heal, and I shared that recording with you here a few episodes ago, and now I brought her onto my podcast to talk about her time inside the Connected Couples campus, her business Choosing to Heal and we sprinkling conversation around businesses and relationships and all that good stuff. So enjoy it. See you next week here for an episode all about babies. All right, welcome back to the Fighting for Connection podcast.

Brett: 2:36

Today I have with me a new friend and a special guest that Monica and I have been chatting quite a bit about a whole bunch of different topics over the last couple weeks here, and I thought she'd be a great person to come on to this podcast. Actually, probably the way this came about, monica, is you first reached out to me to come on your podcast, which we're going to talk about, and then from there it just seems like it was meant to be, because so much has kind of transpired out of that initial outreach from you. So I say thank you, but before we get too far into this, I want others to know who you are and what you're all about. So share with me, monica, and my listeners who you are and all the cool things that you're doing in your life right now.

Monica: 3:31

Oh gosh. Well, thanks, brett, and no pressure to just summarize myself in a tiny little intro, but I'll do my best, yeah. But yeah, brett, I agree. Just first off, I want to say I have really enjoyed connecting with you and you're right, it's been just such a pleasant surprise or godwink or fate that brought us together and what I thought we would have in common is just a conversation about the conflict cycle, but really it seems like we have so much to talk about and I absolutely love that.

Monica: 4:00

So, yeah, my name is Monica Lee. You can find me at Monica Lee. Blog is my handle, my website. I kind of stumbled into this space, I suppose as a result of my own personal story, going on an inner healing journey, and that's what led me to you, brett. I kind of just dove head first into trying to figure out all the ways that I could better myself, my relationship, and so I stumbled across your YouTube video on the conflict cycle and it blew my mind. I'm not sure anyone who's listening if you've ever had one of those days where you go into either a Google search bar or a YouTube search bar and you're like I need to figure out how to, whatever it may be.

Brett: 4:48

Like we've all been there.

Monica: 4:50

Yeah, Yep, so it's just one of those days in my relationship where I'm like there's got to be a way to quit all of this repetitive arguing over the same thing, Like there's got to be some professional out there who can explain it in a way that I can understand so I can try to, you know, do better.

Monica: 5:09

And that's exact. I was so glad to have found exactly what I was looking for that day. So, anyway, long story short, I in my previous marriage there was just a lot of what's your dysfunction, and but the good thing that came from that marriage was so much self-awareness, growth on both of our parts. I'm happy to report that we, even though we're no longer married, we're in both of us are in such a better place and we it was a container for growth, of growth for both of us, and so, as a result of that, I created a brand called Choosing to Heal, because it just the healing process and everything that I've learned and the transformation and the impact it's had on me has changed me and impacted me so much that I just want to immerse myself and have conversations with people like you about this kind of stuff and, yeah, try to make an impact in the same way that you are, Brett, and I guess my own, my own way.

Brett: 6:14

So, yeah, no, I think I think that's exactly right, that we all have our own experiences in relationships and we all learn, you know, different things about ourselves and about each other and about relationships through the different adversities that are that are faced there. And yeah, I think you and I we chatted together on a podcast that's going to be on on your podcast, choosing to Heal, and if you're listening to this podcast, I encourage you to go find that there because that will be live before this is live, so go listen to that. We're Monica and I talk all about the conflict cycle and the ways that we can utilize that conflict cycle for growth in our relationships, and hearing you wondering what can I do to make the relationships that I have better in my life is, I think, such an important and valuable question that we all can ask. And as you began to ask that question, it brought you to you know, a Google or YouTube search that just happened to bring us together. But, but I think, more importantly than that, you began to take responsibility for your relationships and you're learning the impact that that has, and you've put all of that together into the Choosing to Heal course or I guess I'm missing, probably the right word there, but brand, brand there we go and, and so I guess I'd be curious to hear just what what Choosing to Heal is, and I think what I found in my own work is that I'm I'm here for for couples who want to stay together, that find themselves in these patterns of conflict.

Brett: 8:11

There are people who connect with me, who maybe are in similar positions that I've been in my life, that listen to my stuff and they're like, wow, I like working with Brett, but I also know that I'm not for everybody and there's someone that's going to listen to this podcast that has gone through experiences that you have, monica, and if there's one thing I want to do is I want to connect people with people that can help them, and that's why I just want to hear what Choosing to Heal is, what it does and what it could offer someone who's listening to this podcast.

Monica: 8:44

Sure, yeah, I'm happy to share.

Monica: 8:46

So I guess the best way that I can begin to explain the term Choosing to Heal and what it means is to just give a brief summary of my story.

Monica: 8:58

So in my previous marriage and we may touch on this a bit more, but I was in the very beginning of my career in social media marketing and I was new to being self-employed and I would label myself a People Pleaser at that time, meaning I had no idea what boundaries were. I don't know that. I had ever heard that term before. All I knew was that if I did not put everybody else before myself, if I said no, I would be riddled with this guilt and anxiety. And so during that time of my life it was such a bittersweet season because, as my business started to gain traction and I became busier and quote unquote more successful, while that may be seen from the outside as a good thing, it definitely came at a cost in terms of my mental health my inability to say no, which caused me to burn the candle at both ends. It's also 36 weeks pregnant at the time.

Monica: 10:03

So, yeah, with my son, my first son and unfortunately that was the season where I gave birth and I missed out on so much of my son's first year of life, just trying to appease everybody else and be everything to everyone. So looking back on it now it's, like I said, bittersweet because I learned so much from that season and, having not walked through that, I wouldn't be the person that I am, I wouldn't have that appreciation for presence and things like that, but another impact it had was on my marriage, and so this is kind of where a lot of resentment started to build.

Monica: 10:46

Anyway, press the fast forward button. 2021, just several years ago was what we call D-Day, disclosure day, and that was when my husband disclosed all of the full blown addictions that he was stuck in his betrayal, acting out things that just have the ability to completely bring your life crumbling down into ashes. So it was definitely the most. It was quite. It was the darkest season by far, and what I found myself faced with was two options I could either just let it break me, and it did, for you know a period. I don't think that it's possible to skip that part. But you know, I think, brett, what you are getting at and what I guess I'm trying to illustrate with this term choosing the heel is so many of us. We find ourselves in these rock bottom moments, these pivotal moments. Huh, two puns there.

Brett: 11:52

You're on a roll.

Monica: 11:53

I know. So where we have to decide how long am I willing to let this break me for? Or, you know, and we can either choose to shut our heart off, never trust again, say, well, that's it for me. You know, people have just proven me wrong, like there's just no point, and that we can really start to develop that hardness, those walls around our excuse me, our ourselves in. So I was, that was definitely an option. Just to stay a victim, stay bitter and resentful, and just woe is me, you know, or I had the choice I could lean in and do the hard work and choose to heal, and so that is that's the choice that I made, and it was the best choice that I ever could have made.

Monica: 12:43

And does it mean that it wasn't easy and I still have to make that choice every single day when I wake up, have to make that choice when I find myself in the conflict cycle. But I think that I arrived on that phrase for this season, this brand that I'm putting out into the world, because it just represents what, the choice that we all make and I'm sure, if you're listening to this podcast, you're someone who values choosing to heal as well. So, that is my story in a nutshell.

Brett: 13:17

Yeah, that is. It's an interesting story of how some of these products and these communities, kind of, are formed and created because they come out of what I find so often other people's experiences and other people's pain. And it's just someone who is a few steps ahead of you, kind of turning around, reaching back and saying, hey, I found a way through this and come with me. So someone who joins, choosing to heal Monica what might they experience. What might they find in that community, in that place?

Monica: 13:55

Yeah, well, to touch on the first part of what you just said, as far as you know, we're always going to be surrounded by others who are a couple of steps ahead of us, and for me that was the missing piece when I was fresh and healing from that trauma was I felt so alone and there was so much shame tied around it too. I didn't want to tell anyone, I didn't want there to be any judgment, I didn't know what the future held for my marriage, for my husband, and so I just kind of fell apart within this shame storm and so. But what really helped me was I stumbled across this podcast that was just, like you know, very similar to the format we have here, where they weren't afraid to talk about these hard things. I could listen to it in private and feel seen through this stranger's experience and, anyway, fast forward. I ended up actually joining a support group by individual therapy, couples therapy and also a support group, and to me being in that support group I'll never forget the very first day as a newbie I was meant to expected to share my story and then all the other members share their stories as well, and the minute and I listened first to everybody else and the I mean within the first several seconds of me hearing the first person's story, I just broke down into tears and I felt this weight lifted because it was the first time I'd ever seen my story and myself in the way that I felt reflected back in somebody else and that impact that it had on me and walking away from that support group after being in it for a year and a half, it really just motivated me to try to recreate that experience for others and not just, you know, people who are healing from betrayal trauma.

Monica: 15:46

That's very specific, a lot more common than a lot of people admit, Unfortunately, because it tends to be so much taboo around it. But you know, in this season of part of healing, I think is the very end is trying to turn that pain into purpose, right, and to be that thing that other people were for you like. Just like how I saw these people who are two steps ahead. I wanted to be that for somebody else.

Monica: 16:15

So, to answer your question, the choosing to heal community is meant for anyone who is just going through a difficult season. It doesn't have to be super traumatic, it can just be dealing with everyday life, right Triggers and just like the feelings of inadequacy that we all face anything. But to have a safe space, to be able to peel back that mask, be vulnerable, because in our society that is not a skill that is easily accessed. You know we're talking about a world that puts perfection on a pedestal and so, you know, especially in our close relationships, it can be so complicated.

Monica: 16:52

Right, it's like our best friend and our moms may mean well, but that doesn't mean that they know how to support us without, you know, judgmental comments or unsolicited advice. And so it's a space to for safety, for a place to be seen and understood and validated, to get that space held, that empathy. And it's a place for accountability, right, Because when you choose to heal, that means taking radical responsibility for making change in your life. So I've created just daily check-ins with different themes every day, just so that each day you know you're taking one baby step bite-sized, you know step in that direction of knowing that you're making choices every day to choose to heal and be a better version of yourself.

Brett: 17:42

Yeah, and I think, monica, you touched on a very important formula there that I've found in my experience working with you know now thousands of different clients that being seen and being heard and being able to see that your experience is understood by someone else is so important before we can go on to heal from it. It seems like until then our brain gets stuck trying to explain our perspective, trying to make sure our perspective is is understood, and what you're sharing there within the communities that you've been in and within choosing to heal, is there's other people who will go first, who will kind of share their experiences, and you're going to see that your experiences aren't so taboo that they can't be talked about because someone else is experiencing them too. You can begin to share those experiences, for you be seen, be heard, but then it's more than just that. It's then taking the accountability, like you said, to begin to do something different that creates something different in your life, versus staying in that victim mentality of now my life is is ruined, or now my life is is only going to be bad or terrible or painful or whatever.

Brett: 19:07

It is that that we are experiencing there, but I think where you and I align, so much is that there are things that we can do individually to take ownership for the things that are happening in our life, both within our feelings and in the circumstances surrounding our life.

Brett: 19:28

And when we can do that from a from a seen and heard place, we can begin to create different results in our life and results in our relationships and things that disrupt the patterns that would continue if we weren't to do these, take these steps, because without them, what we find as humans is we just will tend to end one relationship and we'll go and recreate it with the next person, or or we'll get out of one situation and we'll go and recreate the same exact situation with different parts and pieces. So I think that's really what you're sharing is within that, choosing to heal, and I think what you do and who you are and how you're helping is amazing and very much aligned with how I have experienced personally growth and healing and how I even work with with my clients, and I like that alignment and I like that you have a different, a different flavor, a different tone. You're serving a different population and I think that is an amazing thing, because everybody needs that person that they can feel connected to, and seen and heard by Absolutely, and likewise.

Monica: 20:51

I mean, I could go on and on.

Brett: 20:53

Which is interesting, because you showed up in my connected couples campus and obviously I don't know who you are or where you came from, but I now have since learned that you came from a YouTube video. But then you've spent now it must be five or six months inside the connected couples campus and I would love to hear just some of the things that you really got out of that campus and what you found to be helpful within your own relationship, because I think there's people here who are listening to this podcast who might be like I wonder if the connected couples campus is for me and maybe you sharing your experience would help them discover if this is something that could help them and their relationship.

Monica: 21:40

Yeah, absolutely. I'd be happy to. Well, just again to lay it on and reiterate what I said earlier just finding it was such a godsend, brett, it was. You know how many times have we just known that we need something but not been able to put our finger on what it is that we need? It's like we know that there's this missing piece, but we don't know what it is. And so when I logged into the campus for the first time and there was this library full of videos and worksheets on all different types of topics, it felt like discovering this goldmine of all those missing links. Like this is this, is it like I stumbled across this treasure, chest of knowledge?

Monica: 22:22

And to me, that's the biggest thing was, you know, I'm not someone who's afraid to learn. I'm not. You know, I was in a season where, okay, I'm willing to take accountability, I'm willing to be responsible for my, my actions, but I don't know how, I don't know where to start, and so, you know, I find it's either one or the other. You either have all the tools and resources available to you, to you, and it's the mindset you struggle with, or that, well, I don't know, I'm just not ready, not there yet, but it can also be the opposite where you're, you're wanting to choose to heal, but you just don't have those tools and resources available to you. So that was where I was at least not that specific type, right.

Monica: 23:03

So I was in individuals individual therapy and also couples therapy and the reason that I found additional value from this campus is because it's such a different field from a one-on-one session with just you and your partner and a therapist, and so I guess my style of a member there. I feel like there's two different approaches. You could take probably more than two, but two that I can think of off the top of my head. So there are people who, I think, prefer to go through content step, brick by brick, step one. Okay, watch video one and watch it all through to the end. I tend to think of that more as like a proactive way of consuming content and knowledge. And just you know, just think about being in school. In general, I tend to be more of a reactive learner okay okay, something's on fire.

Monica: 23:58

Let me go find the information to go put it out. Hence the YouTube search bar. Okay, you know how to get out of conflict, how to stop being in conflict or whatever I typed that day. And so what I appreciate so much about it is because there's such a wide range of topics, you know, depending on the day that we have it and thankfully I don't get to, I don't have to reference it that often, but when I have those days, we have those days.

Monica: 24:25

I love the ability to log in and there's always a video where I'm like this is the one that applies to this situation. And then you've got, you know, all of your videos with the slides, you've got the printable worksheets, the way that my partner and I and the, the very first day that I enrolled, I remember sending him the website I was like, oh my gosh, I think this is it Like, and so what we committed to doing was going through that first. You call it, I think, the flagship course, which is like the, would you say, like the building blocks or the foundations of relationship piece. I don't know.

Brett: 25:03

Yeah, it's really the accountability piece that this is what you can do to make a relationship better for you. Yep.

Monica: 25:12

So, so what we did was we said, okay, let's, while during the day we'll watch the video independently and we'll, you know, basically come together at the end of the day and share our answers or talk about, talk about the, the stuff.

Monica: 25:30

And you know, obviously, if people couples coming to you, I would, I guess, venture to say that it's more common than not for couples to be struggling with conflict and maybe not be in a great space. And so what? How we navigated that was we texted our thoughts rather than, like you know, in the beginning it wasn't like, oh, let's come together so peacefully and say, hey, let's have this very productive, peaceful, civil conversation, because that was the whole point.

Brett: 25:58

It was you're struggling to. You're dysregulated. At that point.

Monica: 26:00

Exactly so. It was such a great, I guess, like buffer for both of us to have some sort of activity right, like homework assignment to work on and the ability to for each of us to watch it individually take our own stuff away, right. So it's like we each had you as our coach and then be able to have something tangible to actually discuss, rather than just you know the nothingness of whatever we are fighting about that day.

Brett: 26:29

So I love it. Thanks for sharing with that, and it's always just kind of fun to hear what is happening on that side of of the screen and and love that story.

Brett: 26:41

So, where our conversations have gone, monica, as we've as we've talked more and more have been around business, and and I always am interested in creating the most impactful place for couples to come to so they can feel just like you felt, that there's some tangible things that they can do to make their relationship better.

Brett: 27:06

And that's what the Connected Couples Campus is all about. It's a place for couples to go to so they can have real, tangible, effective ways to manage their relationship and make it the best relationship that's possible. And and I've seen what you're doing in your life and your businesses and I'm like I think there's a lot there that you're doing that could help me create that vision within the Connected Couples Campus. But I think it comes because you have so much different experience and things that you've done over the last. I don't even know how many years it's been, but maybe you could just share with me and my listeners here what your, what your background has been in in entrepreneurial entrepreneurship and and network network marketing, social media marketing all the things that you have done over what has it been the last five, 10 years?

Monica: 28:01

Yeah, eight years. Yeah yeah, Pretty crazy to think about. Yeah, I mentioned that is this kind of entrepreneurial path started when I was 36 weeks pregnant eight years ago, prior to that.

Brett: 28:15

Best time to start a business.

Monica: 28:16

I know. So if I must say something about that nesting phase, or like you feel like you could conquer the world, you don't realize you're about to be.

Brett: 28:22

Yeah.

Monica: 28:23

Yeah, just out of it for a bit, but anyway, so funny. So before that I was a teller at a bank and worked with a you know a bank for seven years. I had an Etsy shop and I loved doing graphic design and like wedding invitations and but I had never. That was about the extent of anything that I had done career wise. But long story short, I kind of stumbled my way into the direct sales, network marketing MLM industry without even knowing what any of those terms meant, because a girlfriend came to me and said hey, can you design my business cards? She was selling clothes online and I was like that's really interesting, trying to understand more about it so I could help her with her business cards.

Monica: 29:11

Long story short, you know the story goes. I ended up doing it myself as well. Now the I've been, and I still am, in the network marketing direct sales MLM industry with my second company, so I've been with two companies for an extended length of time. Here's the thing I didn't realize that I was getting myself into was there is a huge stigma attached to this industry.

Monica: 29:38

And as I, as I mentioned, I was a very sensitive people pleaser and all I knew was, oh my gosh, I really love this. I'm getting to have these great friendships. I get to work with my friends and talk to them more often than I normally would. I get to practice these skills that I like, really enjoy. I get to stretch my marketing and my graphic design and my you know, my copywriting skills, so to speak. I just like communication skills with you know sales and stuff, and I really loved it, and my approach from the very beginning and to this day is always okay.

Monica: 30:15

Sales is about not selling someone something to someone. It's about adding value. That is why people buy. It's because you have a solution to a problem, and so I just I loved learning everything that I could about sales and getting to have fun in the process, and I found myself pretty good at it. And, however, that came along with a healthy dose of judgment and a man, oh man. I mean. To this day, eight years later, I mean I've I've, thankfully learned skills to help me develop a thick skin and know how to you know, now I understand where those comments and that judgment stems from, whereas before I absolutely thought it was about me, it must be me. You know, or now I can. You know I did an entire podcast episode about actually to one on the MLM stigma and letting go of what people think, but then also just how to deal with that negativity and criticism apart from the MLM industry. I mean, you know, could be you're in laws, is it anyone in your, your life?

Monica: 31:20

We all struggle with that to some degree and so what's really interesting, brett, is that over the past eight years it hasn't been a cakewalk, and but I will say that every difficult thing that has come along with it Whether that was the lack of boundaries and the burnout and the resentment, right to the people pleasing and to the the um, dealing with the Judgment, dealing with the criticism, dealing with, also like having other people look to you as like responsible for them, like so many heavy things that One could could say, oh, okay, I'm just I can't deal with that. That is just too much. But what I will have loved, I guess, about this journey is each one of those obstacles has forced me to Choose to heal. Or, you know, and again, it's not like it naturally came to me that way, it was always here's the problem Struggle and suffer with the problem and then figure out, okay, how am I gonna deal with this? Okay, and then just practicing, struggling through it, failing, learning from that mistake, trying again, feeling, oh, doing a little bit better this time.

Monica: 32:33

And so now, you know, I kind of have these moments from time to time when I'm like man, I never would have responded like this eight years ago, you know, and it's very, it's so fulfilling Because in the past there were times where I just would throw my hands up or I would, you know, put my tail between my legs or quit, or just you know all these things to avoid the uncomfortableness of all of these different situations. And so I guess Also I guess with what I've been through in my previous marriage, I've come to you, maybe appreciate or be able to see the silver lining in these hardships and in these in pain.

Monica: 33:13

It's taught me a lot about pain, and my favorite, one of my favorite models is just turning pain into purpose. Right, and because we can't avoid it in our life, it's always gonna come at us in one form of another, and so a lot of us we try to avoid it or cope with it, and so you know, I think that there's a third option, which is to Embrace it. Does it mean it's easy that you just they're like yes, welcome.

Brett: 33:39

I bring, I accept and welcome all pain into my life, but more so, just, I guess, yeah, in hindsight, just being able to see, okay, it makes sense now why this has been part of my story and Creating that so no, I think, I think starting a business and and trying to market a business, it brings up, I brings up all the stuff like I think of Someone I can't remember who it was, but I remember this little video that was out years ago where a guy was going around doing door-to-door sales and and he's, you know I. They asked him, well, why are you doing door-to-door sales? And he said, well, he wanted to be a stand-up comedian.

Brett: 34:23

And and they said, the best way to kind of get over the, the Rejection factor that comes up with being a stand-up comedian is to do is to do door-to-door sales right and and in some way like that really makes you Take on all the stuff that comes up with with Sales and and the thing about it that that happens within sales is you have a product that that provides value, but every product doesn't provide value to everyone absolutely.

Brett: 35:01

So, so somehow you, even if you're going on a mission, an altruistic mission, to help people with a problem, you're you're going to inadvertently run across people who don't need your solution to the problem. And and then the trick that our brain has and there's a cognitive distortion in this of when someone says I don't want your Solution, we think we can quickly turn that to mean they don't want us. Mm-hmm, our solution is bad. We're, we should be doing something different. Like all of these things come up from the like these little I would call them rejections to the solution that we offer. And and if, if you Don't have like a strong, why? If you are really looking for knowing your value through other people and and you put a lot of stock in that, you're going to experience a lot of pain. And and I would say in the MLM world I know I've dealt with it in my world, in the businesses that I've Put together, both in the painting industry as well as in the therapy and coaching industry There've been similar types of feelings that come up. And I I've told my wife that I think Any small business brings up all the stuff for everybody. I just it just seems to be so true.

Brett: 36:33

So, and and when that stuff comes up, monarchy, you're exactly right. We have a choice. We can either. We can either cower away from it and make that pain go away, which which would be, you know, for in the, in the door-to-door sales, the. The easiest way to make that pain go away is stop doing door-to-door sales, right? The travesty with that is then people don't get the solution that you're actually offering, right? So then what you can do is you can I like what you. What you say here is choose to heal, choose to work through those things so you can go door-to-door, so you can have people say things, do things, show up. However, people show up with door-to-door sales people and and continue to move forward, offering your solution to the world, which I think is an amazing thing, especially if, if it really can be valuable for people. So Great, great way to bring up all the things that you need to work on is yeah part of business.

Monica: 37:35

Yeah, I was joking with a friend that I recorded that stigma letting go of what people think episode with. We were joking about how, like you want to grow as a person, you want to like skip the therapy and just get right into it. You know, put yourself in these uncomfortable situations where most people they avoid them for that exact reason. So it's kind of like that magic perspective shift that we've unlocked. I guess more that everyone has the ability to.

Brett: 38:02

Yeah.

Monica: 38:03

Something else, if I could pass along that she shared with me that day. That was new to me and I found it so Such a like a light bulb moment was she said that what helps us become better quote-unquote, door-to-door salesman or what builds that like resiliency, is what's called Disconfirming experiences. So when we're afraid of something, we're afraid of the person at the door saying no, we're. We were in full-on like worst-case scenario, disaster brainstorming of, like you know, rejection, and we're, of course, thinking of the negative, and that happens in every situation, like you said, in our businesses and Any situation, and so that fear, that hypothetical fear, prevents us from taking action.

Monica: 38:48

However, the more you expose yourself to these uncomfortable situations, the more you realize how, yeah, can someone say no, absolutely, will it happen? Yes, it will. Are you going to experience pain and rejection? Yes, however, we've, our brain will trick us into thinking it's going to be like that every single time. So the more we have these Disconfirming experiences, which is when our subconscious or our nervous system expects something to happen this way, it expects to experience that rejection, feel that flood of shame, etc, etc. But the opposite happens and someone says tell me more. Oh, wow, I actually think that this is perfect for me. Then, all of a sudden, your nervous system is getting rewired and they're like wait a minute, that's not what we were expecting.

Monica: 39:36

And so, the more we have these disconfirming experiences, that's how you actually stretch that muscle or work out that muscle of resiliency, because that's such a common like, I know, for me. I was like but how do I get over the sphere of what people think? Well, the more that you're afraid of putting yourself out there and getting negative comments or rejection, the more that you do that, and then your friends are like hey, it's really good to see your face, that you know, or whatever. It's like, oh, I didn't die. It's like you do it. And then you don't die, and so you do it again, and then you're like huh, I didn't die Totally. So I thought that was such a cool way that she explained it.

Brett: 40:14

That is. That is and as I'm sitting here, I'm like you know we're talking business, we're talking sales, but we're also talking relationships. Yes, because, like these, disconcerting and now I'm going to miss blank on the word, the disconcerting- situation, disconfirming experiences.

Monica: 40:33

Disconfirming experiences.

Brett: 40:34

Thank you very much and you're welcome listener who also forgot that. Disconfirming experiences those are exactly what we do inside the connected couples campus when we're trying to break the conflict cycle right. We've gotten in conflict all these times and we're going to show up in just a little bit different way and we're going to have a different experience when we're in conflict and it's going to be like wow, we can actually get through this without spiraling out of control. And all the things that come up when you're doing, like the door to door sales or running a business, or all these things that we're talking about, are also showing up in your relationships. By the way, in the closest relationships, you have those same fears, those same worries are causing you to be and show up in similar reactions or protective responses as you would if you're running a business or doing door to door sales. So you figure it out in the business, you're going to start to show up differently within your relationships, or vice versa, by the way.

Monica: 41:37

I was just going to say vice versa too. Yeah, yeah.

Brett: 41:41

Yeah. So I think that is. That's just what's so cool about all of this is it's all kind of connected and it all goes back to one common thing and that's you. What's happening within you, what your past experiences are, how you cognitively perceive all those things that are going on and the thoughts, feelings and actions that you take from the circumstances that are going on in your life. So we have a significant ability to change the outcomes of many, many things in our life, and when we began to take on that responsibility and we sit down and we began to like you did, monica, learn what is possible for you to do to create different outcomes, we do begin to some small way, change the relationships in our life, the outcomes in our life, and we're going to have, I believe, a much more connected life, and I think that's the answer to so many things and so much pain that we experience here is is connection.

Monica: 42:46

So yeah, man, I don't. I can't think of a better way to note to end on that. That was so, so perfectly said. I can't say it any better.

Brett: 42:55

So that is. That is where we are going to drop our listeners off and my hope is someday down the road we can pick them back up for another conversation together. Monica, yes, I'm excited to continue the conversations that we've been having around business and the campus and all the things. I'm excited to have the listeners go check out the choosing to heal community and to join there, and excited to also have them check out the connected couples campus and see if that's a fit for them. But I think in both places you can show up, you can look around and you can really get a sense of is this the place where I'm seeing her and can begin to take accountability for my life? And what you're doing, monica, is amazing and I encourage everybody to go check you out. I will post your social media handles, your website, in the show notes. Anything else that you want to touch on here before I let you go.

Monica: 43:58

I think that was perfect, brent, and just thank you so much for having me. I really, really enjoy our conversations, yeah.

Brett: 44:04

Thank you. Thanks for spending some time here with us and we'll see you in the future, monica. Okay, thanks, all right, bye-bye, bye. This has been the Fighting for Connection podcast. If you've enjoyed this podcast and want more content like this, check out my connected couples campus, which can be found on my website, wwwpivotalapproachcom, and become the difference you need in your relationship.