The Power of Compassion

Episode number 86, the Power of Compassion. Hello and welcome to the Fighting for Connection podcast. I'm Brett Nicolau, a husband, father and fun lover. Listen in as I share stories, tips and inspiration that will move you toward the connection that you want in your relationship. Okie dokie, welcome back to the Fighting for Connection podcast. I am doing really well here. It's a rainy Thursday afternoon in downtown Buffalo and I really hope that wherever you are listening to this podcast, you too can be well.

Lately, I feel like so much here at Pivotal Approach is changing and I'm really in the depths of shifting my whole business model and I'm really excited about it. And as I record this, I'm considering how, when this podcast is published, it's going to be a month from now, so maybe there's already some changes that you're recognizing, maybe not, I guess. I don't know how quickly this change will really take effect. As you can tell, it just seems like so much is up in the air. Yeah, I know that one thing will continue to remain as is, and that is my work with individuals and couples on a one-on-one therapeutic setting or basis. Everything else, though, it seems like, is going to shift. It's going to change in appearance or content, or it might disappear altogether. The Connected Couples Campus or CCC, my Save the Date, this podcast, the Fighting for Connection podcast they all are kind of in the crosshairs of this shift. Who knows where it all goes. But even just considering that, it's really kind of amazing to think about, because there's been so much time, energy, effort, hours that have been poured into these products.

Between myself, kelsey, Janae, emma, jessica there's been a whole bunch of people that have really poured so much into these products and they've really served a purpose. They've been products that have allowed for me to grow and to learn how to communicate in new and different ways, and I've been able to hear from so many of you how these products have not only allowed for me to grow. But you've been kind of alongside of me and, as I've shared tools that have been so helpful for me, as I've shared stories that have been important to me and have caused me to consider things in a new perspective, and as I've shared people on this podcast that have had tools and perspectives that have been helpful for me, you've been so kind and generous with even reaching out and sharing with me your experience of these things. Many of you have even shared that you've been able to take something away from these things, that they've been helpful for you, and of course that would be the wish that this would not only be self-serving but it would also really support the individuals that are in relationships, so that they can support their relationships, so that they can support the products that come out of those relationships so often, which are kids. That really is kind of like my own personal mission with Pivotal Approach, even when it began.

And yet you know the vision that I had for Pivotal Approach. As I move towards that vision, I see beyond it and I see new things and the vision shifts and changes and that's just kind of how it seems to work and like a little boy who outgrows his clothes and changes into something else when we grow, the way I think of this is like a tree that's planted into the soil. It's kind of planted into the soil of therapy and relationships and things like that. And I've just naturally kind of grown the longer I've been in that soil. The growth isn't always pretty, it's ugly and it doesn't grow me necessarily as a person. I think we're all equally worthy. We don't grow it, we're unable to grow as a person, but I do think I've grown in kind of my awareness of the environment, that I'm in the career that I'm in my skill sets, around these things, how I can best serve individuals and relationships, and what ways maybe aren't as helpful, and that way we grow. We can grow in different areas and skill sets and whatever our gifts and talents are, it doesn't ever make us better as a person and it also doesn't make us worse as a person. Right, we don't lose our worthiness. Our worthiness is intrinsic. We definitely can focus our energy and effort and we can be planted into different soils that allow for us to grow out of those soils. I guess, long story short this time in this field has allowed for me to see different opportunities and different ways of serving, and I'm in no way stepping away from any of this. I'm actually stepping into something that I think is pretty cool and I'm sure I'll share more about it here in the future on this podcast. I'm excited about this. Stay tuned. I will let you know as soon as I know.

For today I wanted to share a story. I have a bad memory, so maybe it's a story that I've already shared here before, but it's a story that's really shaped my own life and even my experience as a father. This story took place in my life years ago now I'm not even sure I was at least fourth, fifth, sixth grade, maybe somewhere in that range and one of my good friends and I we were playing a game called Annie Annie I Over that's the name we called it. I guess I don't know if it's like a nationally recognized name or not, or game, but essentially the premise of the game is you throw a ball over the house, there's teams on either side of the house and as the ball comes over the house you try to catch it. And if you catch it, then you try to sneak around the house and take the other team, either with the ball or by your hand. So it's kind of like this dodgeball type of game.

And my friend and I we were playing this game with a basketball, me being my unathletic self. I throw this basketball and totally whiff the throw. It doesn't go over the roof, rather it goes directly into a bedroom window and of course it shatters the window and oh man, I remember that feeling like oh, this ain't good. So right away it felt like this was a serious infraction. I was a troublemaker by nature and yet this one seemed like uh-oh, right, I might have crossed the line here.

I remember going down into my room and pulling out my piggy bank and I pulled out the $10.76 or whatever it was in there and I sat on the couch waiting for my dad to come home, maybe just because it pertained to the condition of the house or whatever. It seemed like it was my dad that I had to answer to on this. And as I walked through the door I remember kind of approaching him and saying here's my money, and if it's not enough, I can pay off whatever it costs. And he's kind of like well, brett, what are we talking about here? And I was crying, I was pretty scared of what would happen here. And my dad you know his disappointment, his frustration with me would affect me and I didn't want to upset him, I didn't want to disappoint him in any way. As I explain this story, I'm kind of waiting to see that disappointment and that frustration from my father. But what I experienced was something far different. He told me a story, long story short. He had put a ball through a window I believe his parents' front picture window and he said that there his dad had shared with him that he was going to pay for that window. My grandfather was going to pay for my father's window that he broke and my grandfather shared with my father there that when one of your boys breaks a window, I hope you would pay for that window. And so my dad said I'm going to pay for this window, brett. But he says you know, I hope when one of your boys breaks a window, you are able to pay for that one.

This story is one that I've shared many times because it was such a profound moment for me as a young boy. It was one of those moments that changed kind of how I understood my relationship with my dad. I think that the story has so many layers and I'm able to utilize it in so many different situations because of the amount of layers that it has. As you consider that story, think of all these different kind of lessons that are built into this. I saw how my grandfather's compassion for my father in that moment shone through my father into me, and I think that this is how compassion works, that you know, it wasn't even my dad's compassion necessarily that I felt, but it was my grandfather's compassion for my dad that I felt to that and it shone through my dad onto me.

And now this same love, this same compassion burns inside of me. It warms me in these moments when even my own children make mistakes, choose difficult choices. I recognize that, even though there's consequences, maybe that they could have to these things, how sometimes the strongest lesson that we can have out of these moments is compassion, and I really believe that it's a lesson to me of how compassion works, that when we feel it, when we understand in some small way the compassion and love that is given to us, we're able to see and understand in some small way how loved we are, how every one of us has been given grace when we haven't deserved it. And if we can recognize this in some small way, it changes us. It's that love that then is able to flow through us and onto others.

I think that it's very difficult to love from our own place. You know, when we see someone unworthy in our own mind or who doesn't necessarily deserve love and compassion, it can be difficult for us to give that. But when we have recognized how much we've been given of this, then it's able to flow through us and onto others. Maybe after this podcast, you can spend some time just in silence, really considering the love that you have received.

And if you can't find that, if you can't recognize that, go with this kind of a thought that I hold that we deserve nothing. And what if that was true that we deserve nothing? We can look around and see how much we've been given, and even this is grace and love for us. If you can recognize that you've been loved far more than you deserve, then are you able to let that love, that compassion, flow through you. Are you able to pour that into others so that they have an opportunity to experience what I experienced as a young boy the power of compassion? Have a great week, everybody, bye-bye. This has been the Fighting for Connection podcast. If you've enjoyed this podcast and want more content like this, check out my Connected Couples Campus, which can be found on my website, wwwpivotalapproachcom, and become the difference you need in your relationship.