Wanting

Episode number 85, wanting tips and inspiration that will move you toward the connection that you want in your relationship. So I tell this story to a lot of my clients and maybe I've shared a portion of the story on this podcast before. But it's really a story about a little boy and this little boy kind of observed the people around him, him and he noticed how there was, like some individuals that seemed to have an audience. They seemed to have people who wanted to be with them, kind of like a fan club, and he wanted so much to have that type of an experience that people would want to be around him, people would kind of be a fan of him. So one day, rather than joining one of these groups of people who were kind of surrounding an individual, he thought maybe he would just step back and he would see who would congregate around him, who would be his fan club. He went to figure that out and kind of stepped back and changed his ways. Rather than joining these other groups, he just stayed back and separated himself. He waited and he looked and what he found was that there was not a fan club to be had. So what he did is he went out and he began to try to recruit a fan club. He started telling people come be my fan, come surround me, show up and be my friend. That wasn't really working. So then what he did is he began to try to force people to be his friend. Right? He said if you're not my friend, I'm going to punch you in the face. If you don't come and be my fan club, I'm going to beat you up. And guess what? People still didn't show up, and so eventually he began to just push people away and try to show them how much they were hurting him by really just closing off and resenting them. And unfortunately that still didn't create any sort of fan base that he was looking for, that he was deeply wanting. He got to a point where he's like you know, this isn't really working out for me, it's not a whole lot of fun and he decided one day that he is going to be the biggest fan in other people's fan club. So he went about the work to really do that. He showed up in these groups and in these spaces where people were congregating and he was super interested. He was that individual's congregating and he was super interested. He was that individual's biggest fan wherever he was and he found that and that felt better than being alone and trying to get other people to be his fan. What happened to this young boy is, after years and years of showing up in other people's fan club, in other people's bleachers, in other people's space, as their friend, he woke up and he looked around and he was surrounded by so many friends.

And I think it's fair to say that we all want friends. We all want some sort of a fan club, you know, a safe group of people that we feel like, really support us, have our back, that we're safe with that care about us. And I think we all every one of us hope for a world where there's space and grace for us, that we wouldn't have to be perfect to be cared for and accepted and wanted to have those kinds of people around us that they love us, they care about us and they want to be with us. Yet running around and telling everybody that they need to be our friend, it really just doesn't get us there. Telling our spouse that they have to love us, it just seems to fall short too. Would it be amazing and great if these people would just naturally, intrinsically, love us? Yes, but the problem that we run into is that those people, just like you, are human and just like you, are wanting. So are they? What do we do when we are wanting something so deeply, wanting to have a friend that just asks us about our day, a spouse who maybe is willing to sacrifice their time and energy for us? Maybe you want and you feel like it'd be just so nice if someone, really anyone, would just reach out to you and it feels like if these kinds of things could happen, it would just help us to believe, in just a small way, but a big way too, that we matter and that we are important.

When we ask this question of what do we do when we want these things and when we're looking for these things, the answer is pretty simple and it's this that we believe that we matter. When you just naturally believe that you matter, intrinsically believe that you matter, then what you can do is you can go out and find the people who are just like you and help them believe that they matter. So many times we are looking to see and to understand if we are loved, that we forget to let those around us know that we love them, and when we take on that kind of a role. We matter. We matter to other people when we let them know that they matter to us. It's amazing just how that equation works out. It's just kind of one of those things that it doesn't really make sense, but if we put in, it's amazing what we get out. It's just kind of the way that relationships in the world are designed, I believe. So what you can do is you can take your experience that you have, whatever it is this feeling of loneliness, this feeling of not mattering, this trial or struggle that you are going through and you're looking for some recognition, some support, some reassurance around it. Use that experience to be able to identify those people around you who are going through the same thing. That's really where you can affect so many people is when you can see that, oh, they're going through what I'm going through and you can reach out to them. Don't look for reassurance from them. Just simply and unapologetically, show your care. It's such an amazing, powerful thing that you have access to. It's your care for other people.

I think of a time when I was reading a story that one of my friends had written and is actually in the process of putting together, and as I was reading this story it was actually a story about a little boy, funny enough, and his years of growing up I had some tears kind of leaking out of my eyes. It was a touching story and my little one and a half year old at the time he noticed this and crawled up into my lap and he looked at me with concern. He was trying to figure out what was going on with dad. He didn't use any words, he didn't really do anything but kind of look at me. But then he leaned in and he gave me like this soggy, open mouthed, what I would describe as like a kiss, just kind of right on the middle of my face. You know I had to wipe off all the slobber and everything, but it was just amazing how he didn't ever like assume that I didn't want him. He just came towards me and showed me his care and it felt so good at that time.

And while I don't suggest that you go and give people open mouth, slobbery kisses unless you're a year and a half year old, I do suggest that you find ways that feel really caring for you and you go and do those things. There's a story about a man that has resonated with me in the Bible. His name is Job and he was going through some really heavy trials, some really heavy struggles and difficulties, and he had these three friends who came to him and they didn't have wise words, they didn't have all kinds of gifts or any sort of like support or help outside of the fact that they just sat with him for three days in silence. And so if you worry that maybe you don't have ways of showing care that mean anything, think of that story, because I think that we have so much power that we can access within our own care and if we're willing to share that and give that and use that in the world, I think we can impact and affect so many other things and, by default, we matter when we do that. We matter to other people when we care about them. It's just how it works.

Maybe you're like me and you have these feelings of, yeah, that would be really nice to have friends like that, and maybe you can see how you do have friends like that, like I can. I want you to not get lost there yet, to figure out how to be one of those three friends, one of those three friends that can see someone in pain and can go and care for them and, by default, matter. You matter when you care about other people. It's so true.

If you find that there are barriers and resistance to doing this, to reaching out and giving your care to other people, it's time that you kind of slow down and you find professional support that lowers these barriers and allows for you to kind of work through whatever it might be Something that is preventing you from going out, and find professional support that lowers these barriers and allows for you to kind of work through whatever it might be Something that is preventing you from going out and giving your care to other people. A coach would be a great place to turn a therapist, someone that can give you tools and support so that you can begin to take these kinds of emotional risks, relational risks. When we can take these kinds of emotional risks and relational risks, we can give that gift and that thing that's within us that care for other people, and we can communicate it clearly and we can show it clearly and we can matter to so many people. When you are able to do this, you're able to show up and care about other people in ways that are caring for you notice how your feelings change. It can have such a big impact on us.

There's a lot of data that shows like one of the best ways to cure depression or to reduce the symptoms of depression is to have that person who's experiencing those symptoms volunteer. Why is that? Because they're going out and they are serving other people, and when you do that, you matter, you matter, you matter, and one of the reasons why people experience depression is because of their feelings of worthlessness. Right, so it combats those feelings, and that equation of giving and getting is one that I don't fully understand, but this is one of the ways that it works is that when we give, we get a sense of worthiness, and it's an amazing thing to experience.

So those feelings will change when we can do those things and who knows, maybe someday, years down the road, as you practice this and you do this and you show up in other people's lives and you're their biggest cheerleader. You show up in other people's lives and you're their biggest cheerleader. My hope and prayer is that you would look around and see that you, my friend, are surrounded by so many friends who you matter to. That's what I got for this week. Take care everybody. Go out and be a friend, bye-bye. This has been the Fighting for Connection podcast. If you've enjoyed this podcast and want more content like this, check out my Connected Couples Campus, which can be found on my website, wwwpivotalapproachcom, and become the difference you need in your relationship.