Moderation

Episode number 81, moderation. Hello and welcome to the Fighting for Connection podcast. I'm Brett Niccolo, a husband, father and fun lover. Listen in as I share stories, tips and inspiration that will move you toward the connection that you want in your relationship. Welcome back to the Fighting for Connection podcast.

Today I've been thinking a lot about this idea of moderation. Now, what is moderation, or what's the definition of moderation? Google comes up with this definition that it's the avoidance of excess or extremes, especially in one's behavior or political opinions. You know, so many times I haven't been the picture of moderation. I've gone all in on something, I've bought all the stuff, I've read all the things, I've talked to all the people, I've been super excited about something and then, a month later, whatever it was that I was all in on, it was just a distant memory.

And in marriage, I see so many people chasing the extremes Happiness, joy in their marriage, bliss in their marriage all the time. And the question for today is what if we moderated this just a bit? It's meant to have pain, it's meant to be difficult, it's meant to be just as it is. You see, so many of us believe that marriage is meant to be amazing, it's meant to be this oasis where someone will take care of us and take away our pain. But let's temper that just a bit. Let's tone it down just a bit and focus on this idea that nothing has gone wrong when things are challenging, when we're not happy in our relationship and there's not bliss in our marriage. And what this moderated way of seeing our marriage can do is it can moderate our behavior, because so many people have extreme behaviors in their relationship because of the thought that something has gone wrong in their relationship, that they're not getting what they're supposed to get from their partner, that they aren't experiencing what they should experience in their marriage, and these extreme thoughts and these extreme behavioral responses that come from these beliefs cause so much confusion in your relationship. I know that your spouse is doing all the things. I recognize that what they are doing likely isn't right, it's not good, it's not true, but your belief that this is evidence that something has gone wrong is creating so much pain for you. Wrong is creating so much pain for you.

And taking the approach of really moderating your belief system to believe that marriage is something that isn't supposed to be, these extremely great emotions, it's not a place where we're going to experience all of those all of the time, but it's a place that is going to be challenging, it's going to be difficult, where we're going to be called to grow and to serve and to be selfless. When we can really believe that, then when something is happening in our relationship that is normal, I would say, like our partner isn't showing up the way that we'd want to, there's some miscommunication, there's circumstances that we don't agree with or we don't desire in our relationship occurring, then we can change our response to these things, because without this kind of a belief, what we do is we respond in a way to try to make those things go away. Right, we get angry, we get frustrated, we get resentful, we get defensive and these things cause so much confusion in our relationship. So we have to moderate these beliefs. We have to recognize that when these difficulties and challenges are showing up, it's okay. This kind of approach can create a sustainable change in your relationship. Changing your belief really can create sustainable change and that's so important.

Oftentimes, when I'm working with couples, they want to have this big change happen overnight in their relationship. So what they'll do is they'll like suddenly passionately love their spouse, or they'll do like a three-day emotionally intimate, deep dive. They try to do these things that are very extreme, to create, you know, create some momentum and change in the relationship and they can work. But so oftentimes these extreme approaches to creating relationship change, while exciting, are unsustainable and they require efforts that are unsustainable and they even require feelings that are unsustainable and so often they flare out. That's right, passion is unsustainable. We just can't be passionate 100% of the time.

And there's this ebb and flow to relationships that creates its richness, this yin and yang, this like closeness and distance that is so important to relationships and oftentimes, when there's like this distance and there's this tension and we work through the tension of the distance, we often feel reassured and we feel connected. The confidence in a relationship is dependent on this ability to spring back, like if you picture a rubber band between you and your spouse. Every time you guys get distant, that rubber band gets strained and then you rebound back to each other and that builds this confidence and this certainty within the relationship, the security within the relationship that you'll always come back to each other, and that's so important for a relationship. What we want to do is we want to change our mindset from one that believes our marriage is this place of connection and this place of amazing feelings. And tempering that down and recognizing that it's a place of personal growth, a place where you're going to be challenged, where there's going to be difficulties and pain, and recognize how your actions to try to make this marriage one of bliss and one of joy and one of deep love aren't actually reaching that goal line. They're oftentimes causing much more pain and confusion in your relationship. This will allow you to move away from that belief system and to try, on this idea of moderating your mindset to see that your marriage is what it is and it's okay. As you can accept your marriage as it is, you can learn how to grow to love the other person on the other side. You're not trying to change your marriage. You're not trying to change the other person so you experience joy and bliss and comfort and all the things that you want. Rather, you're trying to change yourself, to figure out how to best love and serve this person on the other side.

What I believe is that through this type of moderated response, we can slowly learn how to move towards our spouse. We can slowly learn how to hold our spouse, how to hold space for our spouse, we can learn how to really understand our spouse and be curious about them and, like water constantly running over a stone, we can begin to cut through even the most protected people, individuals within our marriage, because that's oftentimes what we're facing is people who are scared of being hurt, scared of being disconnected, and they have their guard up. They have these walls up and when we're like this warm water, this constant flow of love, of care, of curiosity, so often we can cut through that stone and we can shape our marriage in a way that leads to so much more than the extremes ever could. You think about this like you could take a million gallons of water and just kind of like really quickly dump it on a stone and for the most part just kind of wash over the stone, but you just take a small trickle and you just trickle that water over time. That movement of the water and that constant flow softens that stone and cuts away at it and I really like that picture of how just that constant warm flow of care and love can really do much more than the extremes ever could. If you can be a constant warm flame in your relationship, you can bring clarity and even be that lighthouse that allows your spouse to see the love and the care that's present here. It can warm the heart of your Even those spouses who show up in such confusing ways.

They can be uncaring, unloving, mean. Really, I believe that those are a result of our own sense of inadequacy, our own worry that we're not cared for, that we're not connected. And if we can show that person that they are important to us, that we do care about them, that has the power to melt even the frostiest hearts. So it really is a long game. It's something that requires us to do our work so we can moderate ourselves and so that we can sustain that moderated behavior. And it really is the work of changing our belief.

And when we change our belief, it doesn't take work to change our behavior. That new behavior comes with that new belief. Watch your beliefs. Watch your beliefs especially around your marriage, and watch your behaviors and really work to be a gentle spirit in your marriage. It really can change so much. I'll talk to you all next week. Bye-bye. This has been the Fighting for Connection podcast. If you've enjoyed this podcast and want more content like this, check out my Connected Couples Campus, which can be found on my website, wwwpivotalapproachcom, and become the difference you need in your relationship.